Life Gets the Better of Us

I am updating some of my accounts, and lo and behold, I stumbled across my long defunct blog, “Better Than the First Half.”

I’m not going to write anything tonight.

I’m going to stew in my own self-loathing for a while, but then, I think that I am going to pick up where I left off.  So much has transpired in the last few years, especially since my last post, so I certainly wouldn’t be at a loss for content.

When I started this blog, I had high hopes and good intentions.  As the title of this post says, though, “life gets the better of us.”  We get busy.  We get side-tracked.  We follow whatever particular rabbit trail captures our imagination at the moment, only to find ourselves long removed from our familiar pastures.

I did say that I’m not going to write anything tonight, right?

Because I’m not.

But suffice to say that my blogging itch has been stimulated again, so after I take my brief stint in self-loathing, I’ll drop by here again and see what, if anything, comes next.

Until then…

Stay tuned.

What Are You Good At?

‎"You owe it to us all to get on with what you’re good at." ~ W. H. Auden

What are you good at?  What do you think you are good at?  What do you dream about being good at?

I pose these questions to you, dear hypothetical reader, because I am thoroughly convinced that each and every member of society has something unique to offer.  Your skills, talents, and abilities may impact thousands of people, or may touch the life of one, but no gifting shared with others.is wasted.  Each of us carries within us something that somebody else needs, and to hold back from stepping out into your calling out of fear is to deprive others.

We may or may not know what that is.  But somewhere, deep inside our spirits, there is a restless itch that nags at us for expression.  It is that inner whisper that calls to us, and never stays silent for long.  For me, it is writing, it is photography, it is music.  Am I “good” at these things?  I’m sure that it depends upon who you ask.  What’s important, though, is if I discover within me the raw undeveloped elements of talent, it is my responsibility to nurture it.

Nobody ever begins ‘good’ at anything, no matter how effortless it seems.  If the passion is there, pursue it.  Make mistakes.  Fail.  Try again.  Above all, don’t give up.  As W. H. Auden wrote, “You owe it to us all to get on with what you’re good at.”

So I ask you again – What are you good at?  What do you want to be good at?

Transitions

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As of this writing, I am 42 and a half.  I am still at the beginning stages (I hope) of the second half of my life.  My first 40 years are still a set of taillights in my rearview mirror, driving away from me, but still close enough for me to hear the roar of the engine, to smell the exhaust left behind it its wake. 

Many things have changed over the past couple of years, and I am acutely aware that I am in a state of transition… only I don’t know what lies ahead.  I’ll let you know when I’ve figured it out.  In the meantime, looking back at the posts I’ve written here so far, I can see several things:

1. I haven’t found my blog ‘hook’ yet.  I intended to just journal some of my thoughts and perceptions as I entered my post-40 years, but I’ve yet to find a specific focus to write about.  I’ve written about writing, I’ve written about school, I’ve written about emotions, I’ve shared a few items I found to be interesting or humorous.  I’ve made my own attempts at being insightful and introspective.  Which brings me to the next point…
2. I’ve spent a lot of time saying much, yet saying nothing.  That’s not to say that I haven’t said anything of inherent value, for much of the worth of writing depends upon the reader, which in this case was me.  *I*, at least, identified and related to what I wrote.  My point is, though, that I need to find my focus point for this blog, and to write posts more closely related to it, instead of random meanderings.  Which brings me to the NEXT point…
3. I’m too wordy!  Enough said.  And finally…
4. I’ve slacked off in writing posts.  Again, stating the obvious here.  As has traditionally been the norm for me, I started this blog well, writing regularly, but all too soon completely fell off the map.

So, here I am, almost a year after starting this blog, picking up the proverbial pen once again.  I’m going to try to make a few adjustments in the above areas, and see if I can’t get back into the swing of writing regularly again.  One factor that may motivate me to do so is that I’ve recently begun a stint as one of the student bloggers at Granite State College.  I’m tasked with writing 8-10 blog posts over the course of a 12-week term, so perhaps writing there will inspire me to write here as well.

What does all this have to do with the Emerson quote above?  Simple.  Among my critics, perhaps the one I take the most seriously is my own inner critic, who constantly urges me to just quit, who tells me that I’ll never succeed at anything, who relentlessly torments me with self-doubt and self-condemnation.  I’m learning to ignore him.

By the way, if you’re reading this, and are interested in checking out my other blog, it’s here:

http://blog.granite.edu/blog/underacheiver-no-more

And, having said that, if you are reading this…. Thank you!  :-)

To Blog or Not to Blog

I recently learned about Blogger’s new Template Designer feature.  Suddenly, a whole wealth of design possibilities became available to me, and my first reaction was “Wow!”  My second reaction, however, was an incredible wave of guilt and shame as I realized just how long it has been since my last post. 

What is the point of getting excited over design potential if I don’t add content from time to time?

Other friends have continued to be faithful at the whole blogging experience:

http://vanbontasguitars.blogspot.com/
http://wegovorimblog.blogspot.com/
http://peart93.blogspot.com/

But, as for me?  Well, I don’t really have an acceptable answer to that, and it’s making me think long and hard about whether I should attempt to fire up the old initiative, or whether I should just cut my losses and admit defeat in this area.

I enjoyed writing while I was doing it regularly.

I also have a hard time sustaining momentum after a while.

If I were to stick around for a little while longer, I think that I’ll need to refine the purpose and intent of this blog to better clarify what I mean by “Better Than the First Half”, and to write posts focusing on whatever that is.

Thoughts, anyone?

Anybody?

Done!

 

Three months have passed in a blink of an eye, though I suppose my family may have a slightly different perspective.  Since the fall term began back in September, I’ve spent more time writing and investing myself in schoolwork than I did through the entirety of my first year back.  Truth be told, I think I’ve written more in the last twelve weeks than I’ve written in the past twenty years.  Not all of it has been great; if anything, most of it has hovered somewhere between acceptably mediocre and acceptably okay. 

One of the key things I learned in the process, however, was how to kick my chronic perfectionism to the curb and to just enjoy the act of writing.  I adopted a shift in my thinking, and began to see writing as not necessarily a destination to be reached, but as a journey.  Many times, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself someplace unexpected, but often, the time spent writing was like taking a leisurely scenic drive on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  It didn’t matter if anybody else saw what I saw – it just mattered that I saw it.

Now my fall classes are over at last, and I have an entire month before I begin the next big step forward – the assessment of my prior learning.  That’s a whole other blog post in itself.

In the meantime, I’m not going to put away my proverbial pen, but I’m going to keep on writing, even if only for myself.  I still harbor a dream of becoming a Writer with a capital W, a dream that had languished in a coma for too many years, refusing to die, but also not showing many signs of life.  Since resuming college last year, those dreams have begun to stir, a twitching finger here, a fluttering eyelid there… but it’s only been within the last twelve weeks that they have awoken, rising from their slumber, and tentatively stretching their atrophied muscles.

"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. " ~ Unknown

I’m going to keep writing, to shake off the dust and to continue the ongoing process of perfecting my craft.  Most of all, I’m going to persevere in the knowledge that God, who is the Giver of all good gifts, will lead me along this journey to precisely where He intends for me to be.

I’m just enjoying the view along the way.

Where Was I?

At the risk of stating the obvious, I haven’t written in this blog in a while again.  That’s okay, though, because if one doesn’t have much to say, it’s much better to say it sparingly than to spew volumes of empty words just for the sake of speaking or writing.

Given the sheer amount of writing I’ve had to do over the past ten weeks, I have actually enjoyed these prolonged silences.  The itch to write, to communication, to express, to articulate is ever present, but sometimes the words that emerge upon the page feel so contrived.  They are still a part of me, of course, but that doesn’t justify giving every single thought or fleeting perception a permanent voice.

My Creative Writing class is winding down to a close.  My final portfolio of completed work is due by December 11th.  While most of the difficult work is behind me, I am faced with the task of selecting and revising a number of pieces that I have written throughout the duration of this term.  I’m not being graded so much on the quality of my writing as much as I am on the effort I put into my revisions. 

This is a more daunting task than it would appear; I don’t even know where to begin in the process.  I’ve received very little negative feedback, which I absolutely rely upon as a focal point for improvements.  I’m my own worst critic, so I don’t trust my judgment about what would improve my writing, or if I’d be actually working against what I’ve done so far, just so I can say I revised it.

I’ve learned a lot of unexpected truths about writing, as well as about myself, through this class.  I’m looking forward to my winter break, but I will miss the class.  It has stretched me, challenged me, awoken me again to my love for writing, and has drawn things out of me that I didn’t even know were there.

Soon enough, though, the class will be over, the writing challenges done, and I will be left on my own to find a way to try to sustain the momentum.  I’m not quite sure exactly how I’m going to do that, though this blog will continue to be a part of my general ‘keep-on-writing-no-matter-what’ focus.

So, despite the week-long pauses, I am still here, still moving forward, still pushing myself to write, even if I am the only one who cares to listen.

Silence = Busy-ness

I can’t believe it’s already been over a week since I last wrote here.  My writing class has me so busy these days that it’s hard to keep track of what I wrote, where I wrote it, when I wrote it, and what it was even about!  I feel like I am now just writing for the sake of writing, though according to my writing class, that’s precisely the secret to writing successfully!

To my defense, though, my attention has also been occupied by other situations over the past week.  I finally worked up the courage to upgrade my Tablet PC to Windows 7, which, since I was upgrading from Vista Ultimate to Windows 7 Professional, required a clean install.  The actual install was relatively painless; it was the reinstalling and reconfiguring of the critical software that I use on an almost daily basis that was tedious and time-consuming.

On top of that, my son developed a fever and a few other troubling symptoms.  Thankfully, the fever never crested above 100, though he clearly didn’t feel well for a few days.  Normally, we don’t panic over standard viruses that make the rounds, but with all the conflicting information out there about the H1N1 virus, I was hypervigilant.

As for school, I’m down to the final stretch for this term.  I still have a mountain of work ahead of me, and I’ve had my moments of overwhelming panic and hysteria.  Not for the first time, I’ve had the distinct thought of “What did I get myself into?!”  It didn’t help that all these situations, plus a few more unexpected complications, conspired together to rob me of quality sleep, thus intensifying my general anxiety and restlessness during the day.

I don’t want to neglect this blog, though.  Writing, however mundane the words I produce, has been an exhilarating experience for me.  My Creative Writing class is almost done, but I hope and pray that my long dry season is permanently behind me.

‘Me Too!’

Do yourself a favor. 

If you ever get the inclination to write, be it a blog, an article, an essay, whatever is straining for expression within you…

Don’t Google the topic or thoughts you are writing about until you’ve written them, committed yourself to them, and hopefully, put the words irretrievably ‘out there’.  It can be extremely disheartening to sit down to articulate any flicker of thought or emotion, only to find that there are dozens or hundreds of blog entries on the Internet having already expressed what just wrote.  Your efforts, you feel, are wasted; instead, it seems like you might as well just toss off a quick ‘me too!’, or if applicable, clicking the ‘Like’ button.

Why bother at all?

Simple, really.  Every person has a slightly (or not so slightly!) different perspective on life.  Our own histories and life experiences provide us with a perceptions that other people may never have experienced, or a common bond with another living breathing human being suffocating in a sense of societal isolation.

Our words hold the potential to ease another person’s loneliness, to offer a sense of community, to inspire, to touch, to comfort, to humor.  Even merely writing words that have already been expressed hundreds of times lends validity to the universal truths of the human condition. 

The more that we see that others feel the same as we do, the more we realize that we aren’t crazy after all.

Most of all, though, write like somebody cares about what you have to say, however trivial or insignificant you imagine it to be.  It may just be your particular style and voice that makes all the difference in the world to someone.

So, write your heart, cast it into the sea, and it will find its way to where it’s meant to be.

We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to. ~ Somerset Maugham

Dear Diary…

I haven’t written in my blog in several days.  Previously, that would have constituted a setback of the most grievous kind, one that warranted nothing less than a complete hands-thrown-in-the-air dramatic “It’s no use!  I’m a loser who can’t finish what he starts!” pity party, after which the blog would remain perpetually lonely and unattended in cyberspace.

This pattern is nothing new at all for me.  I don’t remember how old I was at the time, but as a gift one Christmas, I received a small book with a the word “Diary” etched into the cover.  All the pages were dated, beginning with January 1st, and as a whole, presented a wonderful opportunity to spent a year chronicling my exciting childhood!  It even had a clasp that locked with a small key.  I could write whatever I wanted, and nobody would be able to read the secrets of my heart.

I wanted to plunge right in, but I made myself wait through that long span of time between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day.  Finally, it was January first, and at the end of the day, I sat down at my desk, pen in hand, fresh blank diary page before me, and I began to write.

Of course, I don’t recall what I wrote; I just remember filling the page with words about my day, about what I was thinking and feeling, and probably even with hopes and dreams for the coming year.  I was off to a great start!  The following evening, I wrote again, though a little less of the latter.

My next memory about the diary was of flipping it open, turning past several pages with entries of simply “School” or “Snow”, and quickly jotting down something just as profound, just to get it done with.  I think even that effort was too much by the end of January, and my dear diary made its way to the trash, where it could no longer remind me of the high hopes I’d had only weeks before.

Fast forward 30 some-odd years later, and I find that I haven’t changed all that much.

However, I like to think that I have grown and matured somewhat in recent years.  A lapse in my writing doesn’t have to mean that I’m still a failure; on the contrary, if I allow myself the freedom to write when I feel like writing, not burdened by any particular schedule or output expectations, the process is far more enjoyable to me.  Besides, who on earth can think of anything even remotely interesting to say on a daily basis?  ‘Quality over quantity,’ as my professors have said time and again.  ‘It’s what you write, not how much you write.’

On the downside, though, I also find that I tend to overcompensate for writing lapses by becoming extra verbose in subsequent posts….

No Pressure or Anything…

I signed into my Facebook account this morning, only to discover that my loving wife had posted a link to this blog – a blog currently conspicuously devoid of any content!

So, to anyone who may have followed her link… uh, hello.

*moment of awkward silence here* 

I have had a bad habit throughout my life of starting projects with the grandest of intentions, only to be derailed time and again by the passage of time.  I’ve previously tried to set deadlines for myself to post at least so many times a week, in an effort to keep myself on track, but I can identify with Douglas Adams’ statement:

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

Until recently, deadlines and I had only a minimal acquaintance, nodding politely at each other as we passed like two ships in the night.  Returning to school, however, has given me the incentive to reinvent myself to a degree (disregard the pun), discarding old ineffective patterns and adopting new strategies.  Rather than writing papers at the 11th hour in a surge of adrenaline, I discovered a sense of peace and satisfaction at having completed them well ahead of time.

At 40, this was a mostly foreign concept to me.  Whoever said that the proverbial dog cannot be taught new tricks was either lying, or better yet, referring specifically to dogs as opposed to humans.  Whatever the case, I’ve managed to learn a few tricks over the past year.  The question remains, though, if I can apply this newfound self-discipline to writing a blog.

Even if nobody else cares, I do… and so does, apparently, my loving wife.  I love you, Shelly!

Inspiration Strikes Again...

Inspiration strikes at the most unexpected times.  Last night, my wife and I actually had an opportunity to go on a date together, something we've not been able to do for a long time, longer than I remember.  Living in northern New Hampshire, however, affords us few options, and so, we found ourselves defaulting to the standard 'dinner and a movie'.  At least it was a chance to get out, just the two of us, away from the mounting pressures that have been looming over us.

Since the last few movies we've seen together have been more my choice than hers (much to my shame, I took her to see "I Am Legend" on our 11th anniversary...), I insisted that we see something "chick flickish".  After numerous protests on her part, we finally agreed to go see "Julie and Julia".  She was apprehensive about sitting through such a movie with me, and rightfully so, because I have an unexplained aversion to just about any program on the Food Network.  It's a character flaw, I know, but I can't seem to get through even one of those shows without squirming and sighing.

What mattered last night, though, was that we were together, sitting cozily in a warm movie theater.  I didn't expect to actually *like* the movie, but I was resolved to enjoy the moment.  Surprisingly, however, I was soon drawn into the story, and two hours later, walked out of the theater very glad that we had gone.

Anyway, watching the main character, Julie Powell, decide to write a blog about her attempt to cook all 524 recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking, Volume 1 in 365 days, I was reminded of the blogs I had previously started and subsequently left mostly unwritten.  At first, the oh-too-familiar guilt and self-condemnation set in, but with further thought, a spark of inspiration was ignited.

Elbert Hubbard once wrote, "There is no failure except in no longer trying."  As I watched the movie unfold, I realized that, as one character told Julie, Julia Child wasn't always 'Julia Child'.  Both characters, Julie and Julia, were just ordinary people who had caught a vision for something they thought they might like to do, and set off toward that goal, refusing to be dissuaded by rejections and emotional setbacks.

I love writing.  I always have, even though I suffered from writer's block for most of the last twenty years of my life.  I'm currently midway through my Creative Writing class, and I've rediscovered my passion for writing.  Past efforts to write a blog have been an attempt to find an outlet for that elusive urge to write, but have been frustrated by my own self-doubt, the harsh inner critic constantly nitpicking at my every word, and most of all, an avoidance of getting real with myself.

I'm not writing for fame or fortune, but simply because I genuinely enjoy the process.  So, having said that, I mouse over "Publish Post", and thus begin a new blog...