Late last night, as I was unsuccessfully falling asleep, I had a sudden flash of insight into myself. I already know that I wrestle with a duality of fear – a fear of failure and a fear of success, but I realized that I have a third fear as well, one intimately related to the other two.
I have a fear of mediocrity.
I often feel like I am a “jack of all trades, master of none”, though even that description doesn’t adequately describe me. When it comes to sports, cars, or anything to do with plant life, I am epically clueless. In any number of conversations, I smile and nod, hoping that my complete and utter ignorance isn’t as evident as I imagine it to be.
Don’t get me wrong. There are lots of things that I am good at, and I am a fast learner when I need to be. I’ve even discovered over this past year that, when properly applied, my brain can still comprehend new subjects and embrace new challenges. I’m don’t want to be a perfectionist (which interestingly enough, seems to go hand-in-hand with the whole ‘fear of mediocrity’), but I often feel that if my efforts aren’t ‘excellent’, then they aren’t worth even trying.
So how is it possible to be afraid of the extremes of success and failure, as well as the safe middle ground of mediocrity? I would think that I would feel somewhat comfortable somewhere along the spectrum, but no. All too often in my life, this dysfunctional aspect of myself has resulted in an emotional paralysis, which I attempt to shake off only after the tension of idle mediocrity becomes too much.
“Mediocrity is now, as formerly, dangerous, commonly fatal, to the poet; but among even the successful writers of prose, those who rise sensibly above it are the very rarest exceptions.” ~ William E. Gladstone
We are encouraged to be unique individuals, but also not to be too different. I've wrestled with this paradox through my life, as I never really 'fit in' with any particular crowd, though at times I desperately wanted to, sometimes at the sacrifice of my own self. Other times, though, I found myself rebelling, becoming a non-conformist to the point of being a sort of social outcast. At both extremes of the spectrum, I still didn't have a strong sense of identity. I was creating my public self as a reaction to others.
Now, at 41, I find myself still sifting through all the various personas that I’ve worn over the years, all aspects of myself, but lacking a unifying cohesiveness. Having said that, I can honestly say that I have a much stronger sense of who I am, though I think I still have a long way to go. I wonder, though, if we ever really do arrive at a solid conception of ourselves, or, as ever-changing, ever-growing people, that sense of fulfillment will remain elusive while in this life.
What is important to me, though, when I get carried away by these anxious thoughts, is that God knows me far better than I could ever know myself. He sees all the good, the bad, and the ugliness of my heart, and loves me anyway. He doesn’t just see where I’ve been, but He knows where I’m going. He alone knows the potential that He has placed within each one of us, though it is our duty to discover it, and once having discovered it, to develop and invest it.
As for this fear of mediocrity… it has just been reinforced by a search for the phrase “fear of mediocrity” on Google, which resulted in ‘about 484,000 results’. Apparently I’m not the only one who feels this way…
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