Life Gets the Better of Us

I am updating some of my accounts, and lo and behold, I stumbled across my long defunct blog, “Better Than the First Half.”

I’m not going to write anything tonight.

I’m going to stew in my own self-loathing for a while, but then, I think that I am going to pick up where I left off.  So much has transpired in the last few years, especially since my last post, so I certainly wouldn’t be at a loss for content.

When I started this blog, I had high hopes and good intentions.  As the title of this post says, though, “life gets the better of us.”  We get busy.  We get side-tracked.  We follow whatever particular rabbit trail captures our imagination at the moment, only to find ourselves long removed from our familiar pastures.

I did say that I’m not going to write anything tonight, right?

Because I’m not.

But suffice to say that my blogging itch has been stimulated again, so after I take my brief stint in self-loathing, I’ll drop by here again and see what, if anything, comes next.

Until then…

Stay tuned.

What Are You Good At?

‎"You owe it to us all to get on with what you’re good at." ~ W. H. Auden

What are you good at?  What do you think you are good at?  What do you dream about being good at?

I pose these questions to you, dear hypothetical reader, because I am thoroughly convinced that each and every member of society has something unique to offer.  Your skills, talents, and abilities may impact thousands of people, or may touch the life of one, but no gifting shared with others.is wasted.  Each of us carries within us something that somebody else needs, and to hold back from stepping out into your calling out of fear is to deprive others.

We may or may not know what that is.  But somewhere, deep inside our spirits, there is a restless itch that nags at us for expression.  It is that inner whisper that calls to us, and never stays silent for long.  For me, it is writing, it is photography, it is music.  Am I “good” at these things?  I’m sure that it depends upon who you ask.  What’s important, though, is if I discover within me the raw undeveloped elements of talent, it is my responsibility to nurture it.

Nobody ever begins ‘good’ at anything, no matter how effortless it seems.  If the passion is there, pursue it.  Make mistakes.  Fail.  Try again.  Above all, don’t give up.  As W. H. Auden wrote, “You owe it to us all to get on with what you’re good at.”

So I ask you again – What are you good at?  What do you want to be good at?

Update on My Writing Dreams

“The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium.”
~ Norbet Platt

In autumn of 2009, I took a creative writing course as part of my college studies, which I had blogged about in earlier posts.  At that time, I had taken great joy from rediscovering my passion for writing and for the creative process, and upon the conclusion of that class, I had assumed that my inner fire was going to continue to burn bright and strong.  I was going to finally write that novel, or at least write something suitable for publication.

I was wrong.

Shortly after the class was over, the words stopped flowing.  That is to say, the words didn’t necessarily stop flowing so much as I stopped trying.  For those twelve weeks during which I had mindfully tapped deep into my psyche to draw out stories, poems, musings, etc., it became easier and easier to cast words upon the page, to give them live, if even in my own eyes.  Once the deadlines and discipline of the class ended, however, I stopped pushing myself to “just do it”.

But… I have to remind myself that I didn’t let that fire entirely dwindle out.  In the year that has passed since that class, I have been periodically stirring the embers.  A blog post here, a deeper thought articulated as a status message there, a narrative in an e-mail here, and an expression of emotion in prolonged conversation there… I have continued to give myself snippets of voice.  Granted, it has not been on the scale of the creative writing assignments, but it is still considerably more than I have written in years.

So, for any of you who have followed this blog through its fits and starts since I originally launched it, and who have wondered what ever became of the whole writing thing….  I may not be as “on fire” as I was a year ago at this time, but the embers are definitely smoldering and sparking, waiting for the right wind to come to breathe upon them.

The dream to write is still alive.

Ch…ch…ch…Changes

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” 
~ Alexander Graham Bell

Life is a constant series of transitions.  Unfortunately, all too often, just as we have finally adjusted to the last series of changes, we are blindsided by a whole new set of changes.  Indeed, as it is said, “change is the only constant.”

I’ve gotten to the point in my life where if things remain the same for a little too long, I begin to get restless and nervous, knowing that the longer the peace, the greater the change.  Personally, I prefer change to come in small, steady increments, always flowing and evolving.  But I have no say in these matters, and it’s probably just as well that I don’t.

Am I the same person that I was this time last year?  Yes and no.  I can look back at some of the blog entries I had written around that time, and while I see a man who is mostly familiar, I also see someone who has become a little bit of a stranger to me.  Yet, it is difficult to identify what is different, much less to try to articulate what I think I see.

Change is inevitable, and while we cannot prevent its coming, we can make the most of the opportunities to learn and to grow that it always presents.  The past will always live on in our hearts, but we cannot live there.

As the doors in your life are shutting, some slammed, some gently closed, don’t linger long, but look around for the doors that are even now opening to you.  The next chapter of your adventure awaits, if you will only step boldly through.

Transitions

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As of this writing, I am 42 and a half.  I am still at the beginning stages (I hope) of the second half of my life.  My first 40 years are still a set of taillights in my rearview mirror, driving away from me, but still close enough for me to hear the roar of the engine, to smell the exhaust left behind it its wake. 

Many things have changed over the past couple of years, and I am acutely aware that I am in a state of transition… only I don’t know what lies ahead.  I’ll let you know when I’ve figured it out.  In the meantime, looking back at the posts I’ve written here so far, I can see several things:

1. I haven’t found my blog ‘hook’ yet.  I intended to just journal some of my thoughts and perceptions as I entered my post-40 years, but I’ve yet to find a specific focus to write about.  I’ve written about writing, I’ve written about school, I’ve written about emotions, I’ve shared a few items I found to be interesting or humorous.  I’ve made my own attempts at being insightful and introspective.  Which brings me to the next point…
2. I’ve spent a lot of time saying much, yet saying nothing.  That’s not to say that I haven’t said anything of inherent value, for much of the worth of writing depends upon the reader, which in this case was me.  *I*, at least, identified and related to what I wrote.  My point is, though, that I need to find my focus point for this blog, and to write posts more closely related to it, instead of random meanderings.  Which brings me to the NEXT point…
3. I’m too wordy!  Enough said.  And finally…
4. I’ve slacked off in writing posts.  Again, stating the obvious here.  As has traditionally been the norm for me, I started this blog well, writing regularly, but all too soon completely fell off the map.

So, here I am, almost a year after starting this blog, picking up the proverbial pen once again.  I’m going to try to make a few adjustments in the above areas, and see if I can’t get back into the swing of writing regularly again.  One factor that may motivate me to do so is that I’ve recently begun a stint as one of the student bloggers at Granite State College.  I’m tasked with writing 8-10 blog posts over the course of a 12-week term, so perhaps writing there will inspire me to write here as well.

What does all this have to do with the Emerson quote above?  Simple.  Among my critics, perhaps the one I take the most seriously is my own inner critic, who constantly urges me to just quit, who tells me that I’ll never succeed at anything, who relentlessly torments me with self-doubt and self-condemnation.  I’m learning to ignore him.

By the way, if you’re reading this, and are interested in checking out my other blog, it’s here:

http://blog.granite.edu/blog/underacheiver-no-more

And, having said that, if you are reading this…. Thank you!  :-)

To Blog or Not to Blog

I recently learned about Blogger’s new Template Designer feature.  Suddenly, a whole wealth of design possibilities became available to me, and my first reaction was “Wow!”  My second reaction, however, was an incredible wave of guilt and shame as I realized just how long it has been since my last post. 

What is the point of getting excited over design potential if I don’t add content from time to time?

Other friends have continued to be faithful at the whole blogging experience:

http://vanbontasguitars.blogspot.com/
http://wegovorimblog.blogspot.com/
http://peart93.blogspot.com/

But, as for me?  Well, I don’t really have an acceptable answer to that, and it’s making me think long and hard about whether I should attempt to fire up the old initiative, or whether I should just cut my losses and admit defeat in this area.

I enjoyed writing while I was doing it regularly.

I also have a hard time sustaining momentum after a while.

If I were to stick around for a little while longer, I think that I’ll need to refine the purpose and intent of this blog to better clarify what I mean by “Better Than the First Half”, and to write posts focusing on whatever that is.

Thoughts, anyone?

Anybody?

A Quote on Intentions

“What is the quality of your intent?

“Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words. When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

“My intent will be evident in the results.”

~ Thurgood Marshall

Order Out of Chaos

Another twelve-week term is about to begin.  This time around, I am taking “Assessment of Prior Learning” and “Software Tools”.  The latter should be fairly simple for me – I had debated applying for waiver to bypass the course, as I already have a comfortable familiarity with computers, Windows, Microsoft Office, and the Internet.  However, in light of the coursework I’m anticipating in my other class, and the fact that I could always stand to learn more about Office, I decided to take the class to provide a sense of balance for the winter term.

“Assessment of Prior Learning” is not a class, per se.  I’ll be working one-on-one with a mentor in the weeks ahead to gather and assess all of my relevant knowledge and skills gained through my life and work experiences.  By the end of the term, I’ll have developed a written portfolio summarizing and documenting this information, and will be submitting it for consideration for further college credits toward my degree in addition to the four credits awarded for the course.

I have no idea how much, if any, of my life experience will translate into college credit.  I’m currently feeling as though I am sitting in the middle of stacks of unsorted snapshots of my life with the goal of determining which are worthy of preservation in a scrapbook, of organizing them by date, of categorizing them by subject, and of completing said scrapbook as a cohesive final project all within twelve weeks.

In other words, I’m to make order out of chaos.

For a spatial, abstract thinker like me, this is not always easy.  It isn’t undoable, thankfully.  I sometimes have to employ specific strategies in order to adopt a linear mindset, but it can be done.  If nothing else, I’ll emerge on the other side of this course with four more credits toward my degree, a cohesive unified understanding of my working knowledge and skills, and an articulate narrative of who I am and where I’ve been in life to date.

Now if I could just learn to say in ten words what I tend to say in a hundred…

A Few (for me) Words on 2009

By now, I’m sure the blogosphere (do they still call it that?) is abuzz with reminiscences and analysis of 2009, or even of the entire first decade of the 21st century.  I had a brief thought of casting my words in that general direction as well, but thought better of it.  There are far more articulate, humorous, insightful people than myself already saying all there could possibly be said about what Time Magazine described as “The Decade from Hell.”

I don’t know about that, but I suppose it’s all a matter of perspective.  As for me, however, I’m not going to waste my words on negativity, but I’m choosing to look at some of the blessings that God gave me in 2009.

Here’s just the first few that come to mind:

• I rediscovered my love for writing, even as my long-standing writer’s block crumbled into dust.  No, I haven’t been published.  No, I haven’t written a book, nor am I in the process of writing anything “big” as of yet, but there are stories and poems within me gaining voice.
• I reconnected with several friends through Facebook, where I also made many new friendships with people I had known in a whole other lifetime.
• I stopped talking about entering my photography into the annual fair, and I actually did it, thanks to my wife who was a constant source of encouragement.  Not only did I have the sense of satisfaction from putting something of me “out there”, but I managed to win a blue ribbon for my efforts!  Sure, it’s just a photography contest in a small town country fair, but to me, I might as well have won the Nobel Peace Prize.  (Okay, slight exaggeration, but it really was a big deal to me…)
• Again, I stopped talking about someday taking the Mensa admission test, and actually did it, again partly due to the loving support and encouragement of my wife.  The test itself was a fun experience, but I don’t think anything in 2009 floored me more than receiving my acceptance and welcome letter in the mail.  That particular day had been a very difficult, emotionally draining day, and the letter was an unexpected ray of sunshine through otherwise dark and dreary storm clouds.

In many ways, 2009 was, for me, a year of redemption, whether measured in friendships, in talents, in brain cells;  at 40, I’d wandered through much of my life feeling as if my potential had long since been drained away in lost opportunities and neglected abilities.  Then, in the fall of 2008, after a 20-year “break”, I re-enrolled in college and discovered that I still knew a thing or two.

It was through 2009, however, that I learned that somewhere along the line, I’ve developed a much greater passion for life and learning than I’ve ever had.  Suddenly, my life is not defined by the years rapidly vanishing in the rearview mirror, nor by the indiscernible fog of the future, nor by the fleetingness of the scenery as it races by me.

Instead, I am simply enjoying the journey along the way.

Oh, and writing about it.

Same Blog, Different Year

2009 is officially behind us, but I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to process, parse, and pontificate on the significance of the date change in my life.  I haven’t abandoned this blog, but I took a much needed break after my last term ended, haven almost literally written my brains out over the past four months.

Traditionally, New Year’s Eve has always been a time of quiet introspection, of reviewing the past year and looking forward the year to come, of contemplating life, the universe, and everything.  This one, though, was spent in sheer exhaustion, having spent the day at the hospital with my wife for her carpal tunnel surgery (which went well) and her subsequent recovery (which did not go well).  Having only slept for one hour the night before, by the time the ball dropped, I was dropping as well.

My only tangible resolution for 2010 (so far, and I’ll explain that philosophy in a future post) is to just keep writing, no matter what.

Not tonight, though.

Happy New Year!

Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2013

The Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2013

(from http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/2013.php):

“Each August since 1998, Beloit College has released the Beloit College Mindset List. It provides a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college.”

Most students entering college for the first time this fall were born in 1991.

• For these students, Martha Graham, Pan American Airways, Michael Landon, Dr. Seuss, Miles Davis, The Dallas Times Herald, Gene Roddenberry, and Freddie Mercury have always been dead.
• Dan Rostenkowski, Jack Kevorkian, and Mike Tyson have always been felons.
• The Green Giant has always been Shrek, not the big guy picking vegetables.
• They have never used a card catalog to find a book.
• Margaret Thatcher has always been a former prime minister.
• Salsa has always outsold ketchup.
• Earvin "Magic" Johnson has always been HIV-positive.
• Tattoos have always been very chic and highly visible.
• They have been preparing for the arrival of HDTV all their lives.
• Rap music has always been main stream.
• Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream has always been a flavor choice.
• Someone has always been building something taller than the Willis (née Sears) Tower in Chicago.
• The KGB has never officially existed.
• Text has always been hyper.
• They never saw the “Scud Stud” (but there have always been electromagnetic stud finders.)
• Babies have always had a Social Security Number.
• They have never had to “shake down” an oral thermometer.
• Bungee jumping has always been socially acceptable.
• They have never understood the meaning of R.S.V.P.
• American students have always lived anxiously with high-stakes educational testing.
• Except for the present incumbent, the President has never inhaled.
• State abbreviations in addresses have never had periods.
• The European Union has always existed.
• McDonald's has always been serving Happy Meals in China.
• Condoms have always been advertised on television.
• Cable television systems have always offered telephone service and vice versa.
• Christopher Columbus has always been getting a bad rap.
• The American health care system has always been in critical condition.
• Bobby Cox has always managed the Atlanta Braves.
• Desperate smokers have always been able to turn to Nicoderm skin patches.
• There has always been a Cartoon Network.
• The nation’s key economic indicator has always been the Gross Domestic Product (GDP).
• Their folks could always reach for a Zoloft.
• They have always been able to read books on an electronic screen.
• Women have always outnumbered men in college.
• We have always watched wars, coups, and police arrests unfold on television in real time.
• Amateur radio operators have never needed to know Morse code.
• Belarus, Moldova, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Armenia, Latvia, Georgia, Lithuania, and Estonia have always been independent nations.
• It's always been official: President Zachary Taylor did not die of arsenic poisoning.
• Madonna’s perspective on Sex has always been well documented.
• Phil Jackson has always been coaching championship basketball.
• Ozzy Osbourne has always been coming back.
• Kevin Costner has always been Dancing with Wolves, especially on cable.
• There have always been flat screen televisions.
• They have always eaten Berry Berry Kix.
• Disney’s Fantasia has always been available on video, and It’s a Wonderful Life has always been on Moscow television.
• Smokers have never been promoted as an economic force that deserves respect.
• Elite American colleges have never been able to fix the price of tuition.
• Nobody has been able to make a deposit in the Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI).
• Everyone has always known what the evening news was before the Evening News came on.
• Britney Spears has always been heard on classic rock stations.
• They have never been Saved by the Bell
• Someone has always been asking: “Was Iraq worth a war?”
• Most communities have always had a mega-church.
• Natalie Cole has always been singing with her father.
• The status of gays in the military has always been a topic of political debate.
• Elizabeth Taylor has always reeked of White Diamonds.
• There has always been a Planet Hollywood.
• For one reason or another, California’s future has always been in doubt.
• Agent Starling has always feared the Silence of the Lambs.
• “Womyn” and “waitperson” have always been in the dictionary.
• Members of Congress have always had to keep their checkbooks balanced since the closing of the House Bank.
• There has always been a computer in the Oval Office.
• CDs have never been sold in cardboard packaging.
• Avon has always been “calling” in a catalog.
• NATO has always been looking for a role.
• Two Koreas have always been members of the UN.
• Official racial classifications in South Africa have always been outlawed.
• The NBC Today Show has always been seen on weekends.
• Vice presidents of the United States have always had real power.
• Conflict in Northern Ireland has always been slowly winding down.
• Migration of once independent media like radio, TV, videos and compact discs to the computer has never amazed them.
• Nobody has ever responded to “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
• Congress could never give itself a mid-term raise.
• There has always been blue Jell-O.

Done!

 

Three months have passed in a blink of an eye, though I suppose my family may have a slightly different perspective.  Since the fall term began back in September, I’ve spent more time writing and investing myself in schoolwork than I did through the entirety of my first year back.  Truth be told, I think I’ve written more in the last twelve weeks than I’ve written in the past twenty years.  Not all of it has been great; if anything, most of it has hovered somewhere between acceptably mediocre and acceptably okay. 

One of the key things I learned in the process, however, was how to kick my chronic perfectionism to the curb and to just enjoy the act of writing.  I adopted a shift in my thinking, and began to see writing as not necessarily a destination to be reached, but as a journey.  Many times, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself someplace unexpected, but often, the time spent writing was like taking a leisurely scenic drive on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  It didn’t matter if anybody else saw what I saw – it just mattered that I saw it.

Now my fall classes are over at last, and I have an entire month before I begin the next big step forward – the assessment of my prior learning.  That’s a whole other blog post in itself.

In the meantime, I’m not going to put away my proverbial pen, but I’m going to keep on writing, even if only for myself.  I still harbor a dream of becoming a Writer with a capital W, a dream that had languished in a coma for too many years, refusing to die, but also not showing many signs of life.  Since resuming college last year, those dreams have begun to stir, a twitching finger here, a fluttering eyelid there… but it’s only been within the last twelve weeks that they have awoken, rising from their slumber, and tentatively stretching their atrophied muscles.

"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. " ~ Unknown

I’m going to keep writing, to shake off the dust and to continue the ongoing process of perfecting my craft.  Most of all, I’m going to persevere in the knowledge that God, who is the Giver of all good gifts, will lead me along this journey to precisely where He intends for me to be.

I’m just enjoying the view along the way.

Why Do I Feel Like I Just Wrote A Novel?

Twelve weeks after beginning my Creative Writing class, I am finally done with my portfolio, a collection of the ‘Best of the Best’ and the ‘Best of the Rest’ of my work written over these long days and nights.

I was up late last night printing almost eighty pages of fiction, poetry, introspective ramblings (much like my blog posts), along with a few scattered odds and ends.  Seeing all those words printed in 12-point Times New Roman filling up page after page was a surreal experience to say the least. 

For many years, I had feared that the best of my efforts were long behind me, a distant memory of life and fertility, as I walked through the long, dry desert of writer’s block.  I’ve since learned otherwise.  While I wouldn’t claim to have written the ‘perfect’ body of work by any stretch of the imagination, I’ve found a sense of redemption of my love for writing, and a rising hope that perhaps the best of my work is still ahead of me.

The portfolio is due by Friday.  I mailed it out this afternoon via overnight mail, and now I wait…

Almost There………

I’ve written so much over the past couple of weeks that I feel as though I’ve completely tapped out, which I suppose is a good problem to have…

… except that I still have a small mountain of revisions and editing to do to my final portfolio.  At it’s current state, the page count is just under 90 pages.  Suddenly, the prospect of writing a novel someday doesn’t seem quite as intimidating.

It’s there in me somewhere… I just have to find it and draw it out.

Where Was I?

At the risk of stating the obvious, I haven’t written in this blog in a while again.  That’s okay, though, because if one doesn’t have much to say, it’s much better to say it sparingly than to spew volumes of empty words just for the sake of speaking or writing.

Given the sheer amount of writing I’ve had to do over the past ten weeks, I have actually enjoyed these prolonged silences.  The itch to write, to communication, to express, to articulate is ever present, but sometimes the words that emerge upon the page feel so contrived.  They are still a part of me, of course, but that doesn’t justify giving every single thought or fleeting perception a permanent voice.

My Creative Writing class is winding down to a close.  My final portfolio of completed work is due by December 11th.  While most of the difficult work is behind me, I am faced with the task of selecting and revising a number of pieces that I have written throughout the duration of this term.  I’m not being graded so much on the quality of my writing as much as I am on the effort I put into my revisions. 

This is a more daunting task than it would appear; I don’t even know where to begin in the process.  I’ve received very little negative feedback, which I absolutely rely upon as a focal point for improvements.  I’m my own worst critic, so I don’t trust my judgment about what would improve my writing, or if I’d be actually working against what I’ve done so far, just so I can say I revised it.

I’ve learned a lot of unexpected truths about writing, as well as about myself, through this class.  I’m looking forward to my winter break, but I will miss the class.  It has stretched me, challenged me, awoken me again to my love for writing, and has drawn things out of me that I didn’t even know were there.

Soon enough, though, the class will be over, the writing challenges done, and I will be left on my own to find a way to try to sustain the momentum.  I’m not quite sure exactly how I’m going to do that, though this blog will continue to be a part of my general ‘keep-on-writing-no-matter-what’ focus.

So, despite the week-long pauses, I am still here, still moving forward, still pushing myself to write, even if I am the only one who cares to listen.

Another Stab at Poetry

I recently had to write a sonnet on any topic, with only the rule of being mindful of rhyming schemes and syllabic structure.

Again, against my better judgment, I fling this poem irretrievably to the great “out there”:

Unwritten words lie hidden in pages,
Clamoring for meaning, their lonely plight
Germinating tender shoots seeking light,
Prisoners freed from darkened cages,
Impatient actors longing for stages.
Questioning my competence, my words slight,
Expression is elusive though I write.
Words emerging inspire, heart engaging.

Spilling forth as light in blackness of ink,
Words well from inner reservoirs, I bleed.
My heart, in language of its own, is heard
In fragile voices filtered as I think,
Few repressed to bury again as seed,
Languishing lone inexpressible word.

~ Joseph Grabowski

Silence = Busy-ness

I can’t believe it’s already been over a week since I last wrote here.  My writing class has me so busy these days that it’s hard to keep track of what I wrote, where I wrote it, when I wrote it, and what it was even about!  I feel like I am now just writing for the sake of writing, though according to my writing class, that’s precisely the secret to writing successfully!

To my defense, though, my attention has also been occupied by other situations over the past week.  I finally worked up the courage to upgrade my Tablet PC to Windows 7, which, since I was upgrading from Vista Ultimate to Windows 7 Professional, required a clean install.  The actual install was relatively painless; it was the reinstalling and reconfiguring of the critical software that I use on an almost daily basis that was tedious and time-consuming.

On top of that, my son developed a fever and a few other troubling symptoms.  Thankfully, the fever never crested above 100, though he clearly didn’t feel well for a few days.  Normally, we don’t panic over standard viruses that make the rounds, but with all the conflicting information out there about the H1N1 virus, I was hypervigilant.

As for school, I’m down to the final stretch for this term.  I still have a mountain of work ahead of me, and I’ve had my moments of overwhelming panic and hysteria.  Not for the first time, I’ve had the distinct thought of “What did I get myself into?!”  It didn’t help that all these situations, plus a few more unexpected complications, conspired together to rob me of quality sleep, thus intensifying my general anxiety and restlessness during the day.

I don’t want to neglect this blog, though.  Writing, however mundane the words I produce, has been an exhilarating experience for me.  My Creative Writing class is almost done, but I hope and pray that my long dry season is permanently behind me.

Brevity vs. Wordiness

For years, I tried to fire up the old writing drive within me, only to be met with sputtering misfires at best.  Now, though, I find myself at the other extreme.  Not only am I refueled and ignited in my passion for words, I fear I’ve been running a bit amuck with them, like a maniac with a chainsaw.

Okay, perhaps that’s being a tad bit dramatic…

Nevertheless, in rereading some of my more recent blog posts, I’m realizing that I’m overdoing it with wordiness.  So the question I’m now wrestling with is – what is a decent length for an average post?  Short and sweet often suffices, but what constitutes ‘too long’?

Then again, if I truly am writing for my own sake, does it even matter?

Storm Clouds and Chocolate Days

Most days are relatively uncomplicated.  A little drama here or there, perhaps, but for the most part, the journey across the seas of life are smooth sailing.  I find this to be ever more true as I age.  It’s not that the frequency of the storms have changed; it’s just that I panic less these days at every little storm because I know that God is in the boat with me.  I can see from the vantage point of time that each time I have emerged on the other side of the storm safe and secure.

Having said that, however, I can admit that I still have a tendency to feel overwhelmed when the storm clouds gather.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I’m not sure what the catalyst was, but I woke with an underlying sense of anxiety that I was unable to completely shake off.  Even now, I can’t always identify the specific source of such inner tensions; in a way, experiencing general anxiety is much like sensing an approaching thunderstorm while the skies are still blue and cloudless.  You just know, though you don’t know exactly how.

I used to call these my “chocolate days” because it seemed that the only tangible alleviations to my internal suffering, besides relentless prayer, was coffee and chocolate.  I don’t know what chemical reactions happen within them to calm my restless spirit, but they always seemed to help somewhat.  Mostly, though, when I feel like a washing machine spun horribly out of balance, I just hold on with everything I have, knowing that this, too, shall pass.

I had almost made it through the day, too, when I was waylaid by an unexpected encounter while picking up Noah from school.  I wish that I could spill out my heart here to process the emotions that swept over me during those few fleeting moments, but I am silenced by too many boundaries.  Someday this heartache will finally find expression in a story, or a novel, but for the moment, it is a quiet, private grief.

For the rest of the day, all the old unresolved sorrow, still lacking a closure I may never find, rolled and surged within me, and for the first time in a long time, I felt as though I may drown within those cold waters.  I am blessed, though, to have a wife who understands and shares the burden of that nameless grief, as well as friends who have a gift to say the right words at the right time.

It would be too easy to fall back upon my old coping mechanisms, plastering on a phony smile and projecting a false sense of “all is well” to those who inquire, while my heart breaks afresh.  Thankfully, though we are instructed to “rejoice always”, we can also take comfort in knowing that Jesus Christ was described as a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. 

In fact, it is written, “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

I’m always glad to remember that God is not going to reject me for my flaws and moments of weakness; rather, that He has unrelenting compassion on me, even when I least deserve it, as frequently as that seems to be.

So, after a good night’s sleep, and a hot cup of coffee, I feel much better today, and once again, hoist my sails to press forward through these uncharted waters.

And, if you’ve made it this far through this post, thanks for being along for the ride.

A Stab at Poetry

Against my better judgment, I’m posting one of the first free-verse poems I recently wrote in my Creative Writing class.

 

Propelled by ragged sneakers
The wooden skateboard glides
Across the asphalt dance floor
With kicks and spins and taps
A final pirouette before
Leaping gracefully into waiting hands 

~ Joseph Grabowski

 

Please don’t take my Poetic License away just yet…